


like a moonlight mathematician I subtracted my concerns

by shinealightonme



Series: a light in the window to pass the night through [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Overthinking, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:28:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23256211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightonme/pseuds/shinealightonme
Summary: "You want to do this?" Ronan asks, redundant, because he suspects Adam of second thoughts. Or maybe because he gets turned on by the wordyes, which is sometimes charming but at the moment just irritating.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Series: a light in the window to pass the night through [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1666369
Comments: 72
Kudos: 970





	like a moonlight mathematician I subtracted my concerns

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly didn't expect to revisit this verse so soon, but here we are.

Adam watches Ronan dance around the words _I love you_ for a month before he says them.

He says them in part, indirectly, broken up and shaped into other words: _I love when you think you're right about everything; I love that face you make when you're memorizing stupid shit;_ one time _I love the way your skin smells in the morning_ mumbled sleepily into the crook of his neck, which was baffling -- what Adam smells like in the morning is the need to take a shower -- and was also, as he snottily informed Ronan, the kind of thing someone hears before they become an episode of a true crime podcast.

But as loudly as Ronan signals the words he doesn't say them outright, and Adam is grateful for the lead time. It lets him listen for them, leave out the extraneous words so that _I love how much you hate anyone who beats you on a test_ becomes _I love you_ , and then he practices his reaction in his head. It takes some adjustment before he can do any better than queasy silence. He gets past _are you sure, though_ pretty fast; Ronan is so obviously sure. _Thank you_ is at least positive. _I know_ is truthful. _I know and that's terrifying and this whole relationship has been terrifying and your heart is so important, it's maybe the most important thing I know, and you're trusting it to me so fast like you think I won't break it and the only thing scarier than that would be if you didn't_ is more truthful, but more depressing.

He's working up to _I love you, too_. After a month he can usually get there.

So he's prepared for it. It isn't going to take him by surprise. He's going to handle it the way Ronan deserves.

"Fuck, I love it when you make that sound," Ronan says from in between Adam's legs. He's been lying there for at least the last half hour, fingering him slowly and blowing him with complete concentration like that's the only thing that he's planning on doing for the rest of the night -- but it isn't, and Adam hasn't been able to forget it that, although he's gotten pretty close a few times. Ronan is a hell of a distraction. "Think you're ready?"

Adam is as ready as he's going to get. If they put this off much longer he's going to tense up from anticipation and at that point they might as well give up. "Yes."

"You want to do this?" Ronan asks, redundant, because he suspects Adam of second thoughts. Or maybe because he gets turned on by the word _yes_ , which is sometimes charming but at the moment just irritating.

"I already said so," Adam answers, to be difficult. "What else do you want? I'm not going to beg for your dick."

"Why not?" Ronan asks. "You love my dick."

Drop the filter and it becomes _you love me_. It's cheating if Ronan says it for him. "If you ever get around to using it, maybe."

Ronan doesn't throw any attitude back at him. He leans forward over Adam and softly kisses his mouth. "I want you to like this."

Adam has no idea if he'll like this. He isn't even going to try to guess whether it'll get him off, because that's a mystery with no pattern he can discern except that the answer is usually _no_. At this point Ronan knows more about what gets Adam off than Adam does, which is _maddening_. He's always trying things he thinks Adam will like and paying attention to whether he's right or not.

Adam could tell, the first time Ronan rolled over and asked to get fucked, that he was doing it to get Adam off. And even knowing that, it almost worked, because somehow Ronan alone out of everyone Adam has slept with can be gracious in bed without a trace of irritation or impatience or insecurity. He just really and truly has fun when Adam has fun.

So Adam lets Ronan get away with his ridiculous generosity kink, but he doesn't have to let it go unchallenged. He can do things to blow Ronan's mind, too.

"I will," Adam promises.

It starts off good. Actually it starts off _amazing_ , overwhelming in a way that doesn't leave room for _good_ or _bad_. There's just fact: Adam's weight resting on his hands and knees, his head hanging down, his breath catching somewhere in his chest, and above all, Ronan's cock pressing into him too hard and immediate and real for him to think of anything else.

"Fuck. _Fuck_. Oh, fuck." Ronan isn't being creative, but he doesn't need to be. His voice is wrecked, and that says everything.

Adam moans like he's letting something escape, feels it pass through him with a shiver. He almost collapses onto the bed. His muscles go tight at the last second to catch himself.

"Shit, that's -- damn." Ronan is losing both his coherency and his breath. "You -- fuck."

Bit by bit Adam's body adjusts to the force of Ronan thrusting into him, the way that it pushes him forward. His wrists are starting to hurt from holding so much of his weight. He thinks about coming down onto his elbows, but that seems so -- compliant. And then his shoulders would probably bug him. He tries shifting back instead, the same moment Ronan pushes in.

A jolt of pleasure bursts through him, jangling his nerves in the best way, and Ronan bites out a loud "fuck!" and digs his nails into Adam's hips. So that -- yeah, that was good. Adam needs to make that happen again.

Except he can't; he messes up the timing or the angle or _some_ damn thing, he doesn't know, but he can't replicate it the same way he'd done before. Which is fine. It's still good. Of course it's good, it's _Ronan_. It's Ronan and he cares about Adam and he's making him feel good and Adam likes it, that's enough, this is good enough, until Adam finally admits _no, it's not_.

He says, "wait."

Ronan stops moving. He doesn't pull out, because they've gone a few rounds on _it's demoralizing when you constantly check in on me, you need to let me be the one to call it if I need to -- then you need to actually call it_ , but he pauses. "Yeah?"

Adam can say this.

"Can we try a different position?"

Ronan rests a hand on the small of Adam's back, makes the muscles there clench and then relax again. "Yeah," and then he pulls out.

Adam uses both hands to push himself up; he doesn't feel very stable. Now that he can see him, Ronan is a mess, somehow disheveled without a stitch of clothing on and no hair to get ruffled. Adam reaches out and brushes a thumb across one eyebrow, over one bright wide eye, before he gives in to the sudden impulse to kiss him.

Ronan catches him, hands on his back and chest pressed against his. He turns the kiss into something deeper and dreamier than Adam could make it. Adam sinks into him, wanting to get closer. He inches forward until he's straddling him.

Ronan kisses his ear. "Like this?"

"Hm?" Adam asks, preoccupied. Ronan's cock rubs up against him. "Oh, like this. Yeah."

Ronan fits back into him. Adam groans. It doesn't matter that they were just doing this. Everything about that first attempt, everything about tonight, everything about everything gets wiped away by that sudden intense fullness. By the time he's really surfaced from his first reaction, Ronan has established an easy rhythm to rock up into Adam, with his hands spanning Adam's sides and his eyes locked on his face in reverence.

"Do you know how you look right now?" Ronan asks. Adam shakes his head, very nearly laughing. "You're stunning."

Adam shakes his head again. He feels _stunned_ , the object and not the subject, but trust Ronan to give him all the credit. He tries to be _stunning_ anyway, trace his fingers down Ronan's back in the light teasing way that drives him wild, move his hips in time with his thrusts.

It's harder than he expected. Every movement feels like it's going to knock him off balance. He has to lock his arms around Ronan's shoulders and tighten the muscles in his legs to steady himself; it keeps him from moving fluidly and sinking down onto Ronan the way he wants to.

He still likes it, though, the contact, the heat that runs through him with each thrust, the undeniable presence of Ronan under and inside him. He grins down at Ronan, because at some point he stopped smiling, and that isn't right when he feels this happy.

"You know what I think," Ronan says. He's too breathless to really hit the mischief that he's going for, but Adam knows that he's up to _something_.

"What?" and before he can finish asking Ronan dumps him onto his back on the bed. Adam gets the rest of his words knocked out of him by surprise, gets the breath knocked out of him a second later when Ronan pushes deep and in and _down_ into him.

"I think I really could get you to beg for my dick."

Adam -- isn't paying attention. Normally he does, obviously he listens when his boyfriend talks, and he will again in a second, but _oh, God,_ right now he _aches_. That thrust reverberates through him like Ronan hit something so deep in the center of him that he didn't know it existed. It's only when the aftershocks fade away that it dawns on him that Ronan is holding perfectly still. He thinks _wait, what, why not,_ and then he rewinds and processes the words.

"Are you kidding me?" he demands.

Ronan pulls out entirely. "That wasn't please."

Adam angles his hips up. He's so close that he feels the tip of his cock graze against him.

Ronan tsks. "That's not how it works. You gotta say it."

Adam exhales with a little too much force. He hates talking during sex. He has no idea how Ronan can reel off words, filthy and adoring and sacrilegious, without worrying about sounding stupid; he's just glad that he _can_ , because God, Ronan's voice is a turn on.

Or, it _usually_ is.

"You don't want it?" Ronan asks, mocking.

"I want it," Adam says, sharper than he means to.

Ronan runs a finger over Adam's hole. He tries to push against it, but Ronan anticipates that and pulls away. The pressure on him is exactly the same. And it's going to _stay_ the same, because Ronan is immovable once he's dug his heels in. Adam is absolutely not getting anything inside of him until Ronan decides to give it to him, and that knowledge washes over him with a sudden flush like a fever.

"Be more specific," Ronan says. " _What_ do you want?"

Adam blurts out, "I want to touch your face."

Ronan blinks at him, thrown. That wasn't the thing Adam was supposed to say. He's screwing this up, and he ought to fix that, except that heat is still gripping him. "Please."

"Okay," Ronan says in an automatic sort of way, agreeing out of instinct more than anything. He sounds more confident when he adds, "yeah, do it."

Adam reaches up and runs his fingertips across Ronan's cheek, brings them to rest on his jaw just below his ear. Ronan tilts his face in toward the touch, an subconscious gesture; all of his focus is on watching Adam. There's a wondering look in his eyes that has completely replaced the earlier mischief. Adam has ruined the game Ronan was trying to play, and oh, no, that isn't even enough, there's _still_ more words that want to come out. He bites his lip, manages to hold them in until he has the thought, _Ronan wants to hear this._

"I want -- " He shuts his eyes, anything to make this easier. "I want you to fuck me, and I want to look at you, I want to watch you while you fuck me. _Please_ , Ronan."

"Holy shit." Ronan lunges forward and kisses him. Adam, trapped underneath, can only whimper back. He still feels caught in the enormity of that want.

It only lasts a moment. Ronan scrambles up with a clumsy, "yeah, you can -- you can have that." He lines his cock up again, rushing in that way that makes everything take twice as long, while Adam shivers and pants and thinks _I really said that_. Sex is easy to ask for in the abstract, and Adam can do it with enough confidence that it hides the nameless want that he doesn't have words for. He'd stopped trying to ask for that at some point, to even figure out what it was, but somehow Ronan hears it anyway. Somehow he made the words easier to find. "Shit, Adam, of course you can have that."

He starts moving in Adam, strong and solid and so good it knocks him out flat, leaves him melting into the bed. It takes effort to hold his arm up, keep his hand on Ronan's face, but it's worth it. It grounds him to the moment, _this is happening, you're feeling this, he's making you feel this._

Ronan turns to kiss the palm of his hand. The name falls from Adam's lips, "Ronan," and he sees the delight on Ronan's face when he hears it. He sees every moment of delight.

Adam rocks in time with his thrusts, but it's all reaction. Ronan is making everything happen, Ronan moves his own _legs_ for him so he can get closer. There's a thrust that hits Adam like a lightning bolt; he can't do anything except gasp and raise his hips up and hope for another. Ronan slams into him, lighting him up again, and again, and again.

"Jesus, you never do anything like I expect," Ronan says, and oh, that's the voice that makes Adam heart pound and his toes curl: low and heated and breathless but still talking because he wants to, has to, tell Adam how he feels about him. "It's always something better, fuck, this is perfect. I love fucking you up like this. I love your hands on me, I love your eyes watching me," and that's when it slips out. "I love you."

Adam whines. His fingers slide along Ronan's jaw and brush across his mouth. He presses his legs in where Ronan had slung them over his hips, the only way he has to say _more yes closer Ronan_.

Ronan drops close enough to kiss him. Adam has even less leverage in this position. Adam has no leverage, no words, nothing he can do but cling to Ronan. Adam is being kissed and Adam is being fucked and Adam is on fire.

Ronan kisses his face, presses his cheek against Adam's, groans softly into his ear. His cock is still deep inside of Adam and they're so close now that Adam's cock brushes against his stomach as he moves. Every point of contact sends waves of pleasure running through him, crashing into each other and washing over him.

"I want you," Ronan says, "I love that you want me, I love this," everything indirect. He's retreated, and that's not like Ronan at all.

"Say it," Adam whispers, the words getting louder once he's found them. "Ronan, say it, say it, say -- "

"I love you," Ronan says, "shit, Adam, I love you so fucking much, I love you," over and over, the words pouring out until they blur together. He wraps a hand around his cock and Adam gets absolutely lost in sensation. There's only one landmark in the whole world, Ronan, and he keeps his eyes on his face until the very last second, until he can't anymore, and then he throws his head back when he comes.

Ronan kisses Adam's neck, his voice muffled but not silenced. He slides a hand under Adam's back, and Adam feels the slick of his own come on his skin. It sends another jolt through him. His eyes open and take in the ceiling, first, before they find Ronan where he's hiding his face in Adam's neck.

Adam takes Ronan's face in his hand and tilts it up to him. "Ronan?"

He hisses, " _shit_ ," and shoves his cock in deep one last time. Adam watches, through the strange thrill of Ronan spilling out into him, through Ronan shutting his eyes and pressing his cheek against Adam's palm, through Ronan fighting to slowly get enough of his breath back that he can pull out and lay down on the bed next to him.

Ronan's body seeks out Adam's after, like it always does, even though they are both too spent to do anything. Adam wraps up in him and basks, lazily.

Ronan mumbles, "I didn't mean to say that."

At another point, earlier in the relationship, that would have hurt. But Adam has been waiting for Ronan to say it; there's no misunderstanding possible.

"Yes, you did."

Ronan sighs. "I _meant_ it, but I didn't mean to say it like _that_."

"Like what, incessantly?" Adam tilts his face until he can see Ronan, who is both scowling and blushing. "Passionately? Adoringly?"

"Just -- fuck-brained. I wanted to say it at the right moment."

"When was that?"

"I don't know," Ronan admits, irritated. "I thought I'd know it when I saw it. I've been waiting for something that would mean something. It wasn't supposed to sound like I was just saying it."

Adam props himself up to get a better look at Ronan. He honestly believes that Adam would think he was _just saying it?_ When he'd spent so long building up to it, when he puts so much care into every moment they have together, when he's done everything possible, more than should have been possible, to be close to Adam? He has to know that Adam could never think that.

But Ronan wants to have that perfect moment. Ronan wants to give that moment to Adam. Adam can let him have that.

"Okay," Adam says. "So when you find the right moment, say it again. And when you do, I'll say it back."

Ronan blinks at him, a faint amazement showing in his eyes. "You don't think I'm being ridiculous."

"You are being ridiculous." Adam kisses him, once, on the corner of his mouth. "I love that you obsess over this stuff," and he trusts that Ronan will hear the parts that matter.

**Author's Note:**

> "hey, Toast, you write a lot of stories where Ronan wants to say I love you and Adam is weird about it -- " what are you, my therapist? Just take your dang porn.
> 
> If you like this fic, you can [reblog it on tumblr!](https://toast-the-unknowing.tumblr.com/post/613263617872347136/like-a-moonlight-mathematician-i-subtracted-my)


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